I wrote this in 2019. In a moment when someone took my wings — and smiled while doing it.
I did not write it to heal. I wrote it because fury needed somewhere to live.
It found its home here.
— Emilia
Stairs made of clouds, fleeting as mist
I fell with a crash to the ground
My wings shattered…
They scattered like broken crystal
They lie around me…
The light illuminating within makes them shimmer in a thousand colours
I was so proud of them
…I kneel and gather fragment by fragment
hoping I will miss not a single one
hoping I can piece them back together
My pale hands bleed as I do
Blood mingles with the fragments of wings
they look demonic
Perhaps they always were…
With one touch you made me fall
And my wings… ceased to exist
Now…
Do not leave me alone… alone with myself
I cannot rise without your hand
You laugh…
I ask in a barely audible voice: Does this give you pleasure?
Does my weeping and screaming to the heavens not hurt you?
My pain…
I am only yours
How could you take them from me? Did my freedom frighten you?
Do you want me only for yourself?
I am imprisoned between…
Without wings I am like a wounded bird
Trying in vain to spread its injured wings
I strike my body against the ground
I try to rise… like a bird trying to fly without wings
I dig my nails into the earth
Every one of them breaks
…I will not rise…
I try…
Tears flow like waterfalls
The earth soaks them in and smells like after a November rain
I scream to the sky — why?
You do not answer… but do you…
realise that…
My helplessness sets free a hatred
A hatred as great as the love before the fall
A love that had no words to describe it
A hatred a hundredfold stronger
I curse you…
in the silence that remains after
I hear only my own breath
and the crack of mending wings
growing in the darkness
In my hands my shattered wings
I piece them together with the blood from my fingers
My hatred of you is my strength
I hear your voice as if through fog
…You speak so gently you brush me like a summer breeze
But… I no longer hear you
…I no longer understand your words
For eternity… I curse you
My hatred greater than love
There is no longer any love for you within me
Slowly I gather my strength
and I will stand before you…
spitting venom into your face
My wings pieced together
Full of hatred and demonic grace
They grow and gleam
In colours from which you turn your gaze
Let them burn your face
You took my wings from me
You took my freedom
You took my love for you
You destroyed me
…you will never take my life from me…
crawling I will rise… robbing you of your triumph over me
From now on… for eternity you will have
A shadow following you…
Throwing daggers into your back…
You will fall… rise… fall… until you fall for the last time
The earth will soak with your blood… your sweet blood
I will take from you what you took from me
You will ask just once: why?
You know the answer.